Quarter Life Crisis - A Real Thing or Just Being Dramatic?
Are my feelings the result of being an indulged 24 year old?
Am I the only one??
I am 24 and feel like I'm 50. I feel as though I am worrying about things that someone my age shouldn't be focusing on too much. But the more I focus on this feeling of worry the more it completely takes over. Some days I feel fine, but most I wake up feeling as though everything in the world is weighing down on me. Considering what is going on in the world at the moment, my feelings seem so insignificant. As opposed to some people I really don't have a thing to worry about. However I wanted to come back to blogging, by writing something that enables myself to get it all off my chest, but also in the hope that someone else might just be feeling the same way as me.
So without further ado, here is the last 3 years of my life summed up;
It has been 3 years since I have updated on this blog and I can't quite believe that it has been that long. 3 years since I returned home from travelling. My travels were cut 6 months short, and the story to that is a long one! Maybe I will talk about it on here, once we get to that. However my boyfriend and I travelled Australia for a year and 6 months and it is still one of the best things that I have ever done. Not ever do I regret the time, money and effort put in to it. But anyway, the point is, we came home abruptly and I was at a loss for what to do with my life. Mum suggested going to uni, as it was something that I always wanted to do but was a bit unsure of. I took her advice and enrolled at the University of Kent where I studied Comparative Literature. I have just finished uni this year and am waiting to graduate July 2017, all very exciting, but all very scary.
I don't think I have ever been this scared. I wake up feeling anxious and nauseous every day, I literally have no idea where my life is headed, I left a well paid part time job, for a not so well paid part time job. A decision I am now kicking myself over. But hey, it is the choice I made and at the time I made the choice, it was right for me. Maybe not so much now I have had time to think about it, but I have to just make the most out of this situation. Knowing it isn't permanent - it wasn't my chosen career path so I am not missing out on anything, other than that extra bit of money each month. But I survived Don's backpackers in Mildura, I am pretty sure I can survive this. I am just going to have to be sensible with my money for a while - something that goes against my entire existence and something which is causing my inner turmoil.
Money is one of those things to me that pretty much dictates my life. There never seems to be enough. Compared to some, I am perfectly fine. But it is not just my financial situation right now that is causing concern. I am one of those people that thinks about the future every day. How will I ever afford to move out? How will I ever afford to get married? Have children? Travel again? All of these thoughts and I haven't even entered the work force officially yet. My dream career is not retail, which is why I don't see it as anything permanent, which is also why I chose to change jobs, at a time when I didn't even need to! I am currently doing the post-uni job search, in hopes that something will turn up that is going to lead me to my desired career.
The thing is, I don't quite know what that career is. Like most English students I love to write. How original? yeah right I know. But I also love fashion, again, how original? Working in retail while at uni has allowed me to explore both of my passions at once. But I am now ready to fully combine the two. It is my dream to write for a fashion magazine. I know briefly what I want, but not how I will get there. I also love travel writing, I love fictional writing - what is the career for me?? The amount of jobs I have applied for since finishing uni is just ridiculous. Have I heard back from any? Nope.
Now I am not the kind of person to fall at the first hurdle, so there is no way I will be giving up on my dream anytime soon. In fact, starting up my blog again, is my first step. If no one wants to read what I write, or pay me to write, I can at least write for myself on here. My dad will read it, so thats one reader! I am well aware that success does not just happen over night, but my god, the stress levels are real. I am up most nights racking my brain, trying to think of that one brilliant idea. I haven't actually many brilliant ones.....but there are a few I am trying out.
This post may seem all over the place, even unnecessary to most of you. "oh just moan somewhere else" Nah. I'm going to moan on here. I have never suffered with anxiety before and I have never really understood it. I don't even know if I am suffering with it, or if I am just being a drama queen. I'll be the first person to admit that I would say, "just get over it" to anyone saying they felt the way I am feeling, but actually experiencing it is something else. I panic, I can't stop thinking about whats worrying me, I'm not eating, I can't allow myself to enjoy anything until what I'm worried about is over, I feel sick, I feel dread and I feel hopeless.
When I went travelling I did not feel like this. Sure, I was nervous, but it didn't seem to be as big a deal. Maybe that's because I am writing with hindsight. Knowing that everything was okay in the end, even after we crashed our car, even after we were completely ripped off and left broke and even when I travelled home alone.
Everything was alright then.
It has to be alright now.
As mum says, "it will all work itself out"